Don't Let the Snow Fool You!

Don't let the snow fool you. I have photographic evidence that suggests that SPRING IS AROUND THE CORNER! Take a look for yourselves.

Told ya!

Lady Gaga's "Grand Slam" Entrance in an Egg

I can't take credit for creating this one but like most of my posts, it's just so funny I had to share it. This one came across the twittersphere:

First, Lady Gaga shows up at the VMA's wearing meat. Then, she makes her entrance to the Grammy's in an egg. Two more red carpets and she'll be a Grand Slam breakfast at Denny's.

Yes, I had tears I laughed so hard. It does make you think though... What came first - the chicken or the Gaga?

The Best and Maybe the Only Groundhog Day Joke... Ever!

This is probably the best and only Groundhog Day joke ever. If you have one please share in comments.

Three (insert your regional stereotypical doofus here) go to heaven and are greeted by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter stops them.

St. Peter says, “Gentlemen. Welcome to heaven. Only those who are Catholic may enter through this gate. Today, in order to prove this, you must answer my question of a catholic observed tradition.”

The men all start to get nervous with sweat starting to appear on their brows with obvious fear of the consequences of not getting into to heaven. St. Peter calls up the first gentlemen.

“Sir, can you tell me – what is Christmas?”, he says, pointing down at the man.

He gulps, “Well… Christmas is a… happy time of year… Where the boys and girls go… Door to door! In costumes! Yeah, that’s it. Then they say ‘Trick or treat’ and get candy and chocolates. That’s Christmas, right?”

“Incorrect!”, St. Peter thunders and the clouds from under the man’s feet open up as he’s swallowed by a ball of flames and is sent to hell. The second man’s knees begin to knock.

“You, sir!” St. Peter says to the second man. “What… is… LENT!”

“Le..Le.. Lent?”, he stutters. “Ahh… Lent! Lent is a… happy time of year… When… boys and girls give each other… uh… love letters on lace and heart shaped candy boxes and ask ‘Will you be mine’”, he says batting his eyelashes.

The clouds from under the second man’s feet open up and HE is swallowed by a ball of flames and is sent to hell.

St. Peter by this time puts his hands to his face in obvious frustration, thinking to himself what a waste of time this is, then turns to the third gentleman and asks, “You there, is there any chance that you can tell me what Easter is?”

The third gentleman confidently tells him, “Yes! Yes I can! Easter is, at first, a sad time of year. It is when, on Good Friday, we mourn the death of our savior Jesus Christ.”

St. Peter perks up as the man continues.

“He is crucified and dies on the cross for our sins. They take his lifeless, blood covered body and wrap it cloth and prepare it with oils and perfume. They bury him in a tomb and roll a big rock in front of it”.

Yes, yes! Continue…”, St. Peter pleads, knowing that today he would have finally increased heaven’s population by one.

“Then”, the man continues, “Three days later, on Easter Sunday, the holiest of days, a miracle happens. He rises from the dead. And the big rock in front of the tomb rolls open. Jesus steps out… And if he sees his shadow we get six more weeks of winter!”

Happy Groundhog Day!

11-Step Program for Those Contemplating Having Kids

Got this in an email from my sister-in-law, Sherry. We have two going on three and, I have to honest, this is pretty accurate for those contemplating having kids.

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but TVO, the Disney channel or Treehouse for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Treehouse'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Forward a link to your friends or share on twitter and facebook. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!

Top 10 Things Mike Will Be Sharing with Us at the Bar After Hockey

The e-mail come's late on Wednesday night.

"I have something special I would like to share with all of you after hockey at the bar, so please attend. Cheers." 

Mike, our in-house comedian and regular prankster sends out this message to all the guys attending our Thursday "pick-up" ball hockey night.

There has been a definite lack of attendance for past few weeks so this big announcement is peeking everyone's interest to ensure that we all attend to find out what this "special something" is. Is it news? Is something he's actually going to show us? It's obvious he's not going to tell us via e-mail or "share" anything during hockey but, instead, will wait until we get to the bar for beer and wings to make his "something special" known.

So, leaving us to guess what that “something special” is, from the home office in Wahoo, Nebraska , here are the top 10 things Mike will be sharing with us at the bar after hockey:

Things you should know about Mike before reading on - He's a bus driver for the City of Mississauga, he recently went to Cuba with the guys and he is follicly challenged.

10. That he not only has a right testicle but that he also has two left ones.

9. A picture of the Cuban housekeeper he knocked-up. 

8. Collection of lint from the coin box on his bus route.

7. The patch of hair above the crack of his ass he plans to transplant on his head.

6. Mississauga employees' best kept secret – Hazel MaCallion’s face is actually a topographical map of the city.

5. A blister he got from sitting on his ass all day that looks like the Virgin Mary.

4. That he’s in love with a man nearly twice his age. Don't know what it is, but its a hit from his youthful days.

3. He got a penile implant and is pursuing his dreams to be a gay porn star.

2. He’s converting to Islam and would like to be referred to as "Abid Ali Mohamed Fawzan".

1. A tattoo on his inner thigh of Ricky Martin licking his two left testicles.

I have a feeling that the attendance will be up this week. Maybe that's his only intention. Whatever happens, I have to at least thank him for the inspiration for my first blog.


Follow up:
Mike's big surprise was a visit from our long, lost friend Nelson Cardoso. Apparently, the rumours of Nelson running off to a monastery in southern France to teach the Friar's the art of mating geko's and milking their teets for penance are not true (I know, geko's don't have teets... neither do friars). He's alive and well! Mostly... or barely as the case may be. He's been busy running his new store Tails and Scales. It's pet boutique for exotic animals. Check it out!